I need to realize that it’s okey not to be okey. I’ve been putting up a front and acting like everything is fine. Maybe it’s how I cope with things. But the sooner I admit I’m not okey, the sooner I can start crying, the sooner I can start healing. I’ve been holding it in for so long, because of thesis, I told myself not to cry, I had to be strong, focus and work on my career. It was one of the hardest things I had to do. To have so much in my mind and achieved as much as I had. I’m proud of myself.
I think when I say the word love, it’s like a commitment, I’ve never throw the word love around thoughtlessly and it’s not easy for me to say it because once I do I’m ready to stay committed and predetermined that he’s the one. Another reason it’s hard for me because once I’ve spoken those 3 words, it means I’m 100 percent vulnerable. I let down my walls, joy or pain I’m vulnerable to both. You give them 100 percent trust in your affection and that’s is absolutely scary.
These are the values I have for love, so it’s not easy to be okey.
Today will be the day to admit that I’m not okey. I will pack and box everything away. Start fresh. Don’t dwell. And let another into my life. Be vulnerable again. I need to tell myself that. Don’t waste any opportunities, To fall in love again. Because this love has no more love for me. He’s moved on and he’s seeing other men. I should do the same.
And remind myself to be happy Because I’m the only one can make that happen.